Fertile in Our Faith

A book was recommended to me from a friend, and I had the chance to read it yesterday. Fertile in Our Faith: Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Adoption and Filling the Measure of Our Creation by Krista Ralston Oakes

I really loved this book, and I'd like to read it a few more times and let the ideas and perspectives sink in a little bit more. Some points about this book were shared on the never comfortless blog. I think this is a great book for spouses, family, and friends of infertile women to read also. It thoroughly explains the wide variety of feelings and sensitive moments I have experienced. This will make it kind of a long post, but I typed up a few parts of this book:

- "" In order to fill the measure of our creation, we must learn to find opportunity and joy in the moment. I remember when I was twelve, I knew I would finally be happy when I turned sixteen and could drive and date. When I was sixteen, I knew I would finally be happy when I started college and lived on my own. When I was in college I knew I would finally be happy when I graduated and got married. When we were newlyweds, I knew I would finally be happy when we had good jobs and a nice place to live. When we had good jobs and a nice place to live, I knew I would finally be happy when we had kids. When we had kids I knew I would finally be happy when they slept through the night and were potty trained, or maybe not until I danced at their wedding. Maybe I should teach my ideal weight first. Maybe happiness will come when we are grandparents. If I kept going on like this, I would end up looking back on life that was wasted because I never learned to be happy.
Instead I needed to realize that when I was twelve I could still do kid stuff like climb trees, yet also discover lipstick. When I was sixteen my only concerns were what to wear, what grades I was getting and whether that cute boy liked me. I had tons of energy, car keys, and a bright future. When I was in college I lived carefree while my parents still paid many of the bills. I could do whatever I wanted and was accountable only to myself. When I was a newlywed we had a small apartment, but it was all ours. We did silly romantic things and enjoyed discovering each other. While we waited for kids we had wonderful opportunities to develop ourselves and our careers. We had nice things. We could go to the movie whenever we wanted without worrying about a sitter. We could travel, sleep in on Saturdays, and eat cold pizza for breakfast. As we struggled with ongoing infertility we strengthened our marriage and learned a lot about how faith and prayer work. Instead of wasting our lives we find opportunities to find joy and opportunity in every season.""


- (from the adoption chapter) ""A Mother in Zion seeks opportunities to develop her divine traits and gain experience through the work of motherhood in its many forms. As much as we long for the opportunity to bear and rear children, we do not need nine months of pregnancy in order to develop selflessness. We do not need a labor room drama in order to learn sacrifice. We do not need to share DNA with someone in order to learn love. These attributes of motherhood – selflessness, sacrifice, and love – can be developed and manifested in people who never had children of their own. Indeed, the ultimate example of these attributes is someone who was called not as a mother but rather an Elder Brother – our Savior, Jesus Christ.""

- ""The support of family and friends is always welcome. However, sometimes couples facing infertility will inadvertently put family and friends in a no-win situation. They may be offended when someone complains about children or takes children for granted but they may also feel offended when someone expresses joy over having children. They may bristle at questions about how things are going, but they may also be hurt when no one asks. There is so much sensitivity that there is a constant anticipation of offense. It is no surprise, that when family and friends feel that they must walk on eggshells around the couple. This situation can foster alienation rather than support.""

That last quote really hit home. I'm embarrassed to say that I am so fickle about those sort of situations with my family and friends. Sometimes there just isn't a right thing to say, I don't "need" advice. But then if you don't give me advice, or say something I might feel that you don't care. I guess all I can say is I regonize it's more difficult to "give it" than "receive it", and I recognize these 'no win' situations and am working on it!

Reading this book opened up a lot of feelings I think I buried throughout my grieving process and wanted to forget. It was good that they surfaced again because I understood my feelings more and recognized that they are not wrong feelings, and that they are justifiable. It was a good book and very easy reading! I recommend it to all interested!!

(ps - we found out our health insurance would cover the HSG test! That saves us a bit, whew!)